Top 10 Most Overrated Foods That Everyone Thinks They Love

So you think you have a favorite food?
 If it's one of these, then i beg you, reconsider.

Feel free to disagree with this list. No one ever said you couldn't lie to yourself.

10. Spaghetti

No one REALLY likes spaghetti. It's sloppy, get's everywhere, and isn't really that tasty. That's why it's at number 10. If you really like spaghetti, then your mother probably made it 2 or more times a week and you have fond memories of mom's spaghetti being all over your bib. Now it's nothing more than a comfort food for you. However, you'd most likely choose any other meal over it. Unless you're craving it. As i am....right now.

9. Fruit

Pineapple is not a fruit in this category. This is strictly fruits like apples, peaches, oranges, pears, bananananananas, and strawberries. Get a brown spot, a sour one, or a worm and you'll know what i mean.

8. Grilled Cheese

Ha. The picture says it all. This demented child knows. Two pieces of bread and some "pasteurized processes cheese food", stuck to the corners of a frying pan and burned with oil--it sounds more to me like the final results of the Salem witch trials than a delicious lunchtime treat.

7. Hot Chocolate

It grows film on top when it cools.
Didn't catch that?
IT GROWS FILM WHEN IT COOLS.
Only aliens and mythical beasts are supposed to grow film. Not a consumable liquid. Unless it's a witch potion. Or something that will turn you into the next villain in Spider-man.
And no amount of mushy marshmallows is going to save the roof of your mouth from the ER.


6. Fried Chicken

Even the bone is greasy, the only good part is the skin, and it clogs your arteries.
I rest my case.

5. Hot Dogs

It wasn't a good idea to put all the unusable parts of the cow, turkey, pig, chicken, and cat into a filmy wrapper and stick it on a crumbly piece of white bread.
And it wasn't a good idea to serve it for lunch.
Everyone knows hot dogs are soggy, tasteless (except for the pervasive salt and grease), and overrated.

4. Waffle Fries

Why mess with perfection? Why take a french fry and try to make it better? What's wrong with you?
These are just dry french fries dishonestly passing themselves off as basket parts.

3. Breakfast Cereal

Add milk, it gets soggy (simply vile). Don't add milk, it's too dry (like the Sahara).
Add milk and eat it quickly, you end up eating 5 bowls just to get the flavor.
Most are either too sweet, or have no flavor at all.
Since when is eating wood chips with raisins a meal? And i'm sorry, but dusting a little powdered sugar over it isn't going to make me want it any more.

2. Birthday Cake

Don't even start me on birthday cake.
The whole cake is never eaten (unless the crowd is too big for the cake--or the cake is too small to feed everyone--depending on your point of view.)
You get a piece of cake and you either just eat the frosting or you mutilate it and smear it across your plate so the host of the party thinks you at least took a stab at it. Thousands of pounds of birthday cake get thrown into garbage disposals and dumpsters every year.
End the madness.
Eat birthday pie.
Or bacon.
Birthday Bacon has a nice ring to it.

1. Casseroles

This is what's gone wrong with humanity.
Not even bacon can save us.

The casserole was invented when a greaser, a 7th grade home economics teacher, and a 3 year old got together in the kitchen to make dinner. Only one of them left the room, with a scar and significantly less hair. How it rocketed into popularity is beyond any human comprehension, but it suggests the nefarious.

Pieces of meat--frozen, helpless--like Han Solo in carbonite, or a woolly mammoth trapped forever in ice. This isn't food, this is torture. There must be something in the Geneva Convention to prevent such heinous acts of devilry as casseroles inflict. 

It's not even edible, or appetizing. Even the cat would be ashamed to drag this in, let alone feed it to loved ones. It's a diseased yellowy color. It's reflecting light. It's not natural.

Yes, it's supposed to look like that. No, Kenny--lifetime pipe smoker and tobacco chewer--didn't cough up a lung, put it through the blender, then pour it over as sauce. And the worst part is, people actually eat this. And they claim to love it. 

The honest truth is, before we knew it as a casserole, our ancestors knew it as the reason for the black plague. 

Julia Child is rolling in her grave. 

Dangerous Pathogen Discovered: Be Advised, Protect Yourself, Protect Your Family

Recent scientific discoveries show a drastic increase in the size of the human population, and i don’t mean the number of people, i mean their actual size.  This led down a path of inquisition which discovered an alarming, potentially fatal, infectious disease.

The Pathogen (microscopic view)

The disease is spread through skin contact and ingestion. It starts as nothing more than a pathogen too small to see with the naked eye.

 The disease is not instantaneous, it takes as long as 5 years to develop, or as short as 2 months. In extreme cases, the disease can take effect in as little as 3 days.

Where did the pathogen come from?

No one can describe in detail the original beginning location of this fast-spreading disease, although, a significant rise in cases in the last 60 years has caused alarm in the medical community.

How does it spread? What are the causes?

The pathogen is spread through skin contact and ingestion. It is most commonly found on the inside of the plastic, paper, and metallic wrappers and containers used for food in supermarkets, restaurants, and convenience stores. It is also most commonly found on chairs, the interior of cars, couches, beds, park benches, seating on busses and trains, and even the floor.

The pathogen takes 5 minutes to absorb into the skin. The pathogen absorbs into food almost instantaneously, and once the food is ingested, it enters the bloodstream.

Symptoms:

The symptoms range in varying degree depending on exposure to the pathogen.

Minimal to excessive exposure leads to slight to severe bloating of the entire body. The bloating causes high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, joint issues, sleep apnea, respiratory problems, cancer, metabolic syndrome, bodily discomfort, negative emotional effects, psychological effects, high cholesterol, liver disease, gallbladder disease, and limited mobility.

There are also economic effects, such as inability to work, poverty, lower pay rate, less chance of promotion, higher fatality and injury rate in the workplace.

Low self-esteem, poor body image, being considered “stupid”, and less option for personal advancement are also effects of this dangerous disease.

Yet another major issue: Clothing and seating for those affected by this disease.

Addictive quality:

The pathogen has an addictive quality similar to a drug addiction. Once it is absorbed in any quantity, the addiction begins.

In children:

Children are especially susceptible to the pathogen, since they are not aware of its absorption.

Parents and guardians should limit their children’s contact with the pathogen, as the negative health, mental, and lifestyle effects are the same in children.

Parents and guardians should take a pro-active approach to guarding their children against the pathogen.

The addictive quality of the pathogen is worse in children.

Prevention:

Avoid contact with the pathogen. Limit skin contact, contact with things that are infected by it should be limited to less than 5 minutes every hour.

 Do not ingest large quantities of pathogen infected food.

Fresh, outdoor air, breathed in during physical exercise greatly reduces skin absorption of the pathogen. The more you move the less chance of absorption into your body.

Is my bed safe to sleep on?

After sunset, the pathogen leaves your bed, but reappears at dawn. Scientists cannot explain this phenomena.

What food is safe?

Safe to eat are foods that are not pre-wrapped, such as fruit, vegetables, and fresh meats. Also, foods which have not been prepared in haste. If a food has been prepared in the time it takes for you to pull your car to the second window, rest assured it is pathogen infected. Also, if a pre-cooked food arrives to you in a wrapper or container of some kind, assume it is pathogen infected. The best way to eat is off of a plate you have washed yourself.

If you must consume a pathogen infected food, do so only every 4-5 hours and less than twice a day. The other meals you ingest should be non-pathogen infected.

What about drinks?

Avoid drinks that are colored or carbonated, since these are usually infected by the pathogen. Exceptions are unflavored and unsweetened coffee and tea. Also, pure, fresh squeezed juices. But be careful, juice bottles often have the pathogen on the lid, and inside of the bottle.

Safe to drink are clear, non-carbonated, unsweetened drinks.

A recent discovery shows that the plastic used for mountain spring water bottles is free from pathogens.

If you must consume pathogen infected drinks, do so only once a day.

Concluding thoughts:

There is little to no hope for an easy cure. However, there are many ways of prevention.

Wait, i lied.

There is no pathogen. (yay!)

Just people who eat too much, exercise too little, and pass the blame off on whoever, or whatever, they can. And even worse, there are those so lazy, unloving, and heartless as to shove their bad habits down to their children. (oh...)

Have a little self-respect.

Love your family. Love yourself.

And for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t blame McDonald’s.

PS: Did i offend you? Feel free to write complaints on a normal US currency one-hundred-dollar bill, and mail to my address. 

 PPS: Fifty-dollar bills are accepted for minor complaints.

DRAMA!!!!

Ever have one of those days when your brain begins to experience technical difficulties?

If you do, i feel sorry for you, but i can’t say i have ever felt the same.

Which leads me to my next point: empathy is overrated.

Consider ye this, if everyone felt everyone else’s pain, then no one would really have any pain of their own. If they did have personal issues that caused them trauma, they wouldn’t notice, because they’d be so empathetic to every other drama king/queen's dilemma. And then of course you’d have people who are empathetic, with no personal issues of their own, so they take on other people’s issues as their own through their empathy.

I hope I haven’t lost anyone.

Needless to say, this usually leads to one of two places, either a very terrible place full of rats, dust, slime, and war mongering, or a support group.

The first place would be better, since it would have an “every man for himself” attitude toward things.

The support group would turn ugly very quickly and result in massacres or group harry carry. Or it would disperse and its member’s would go off to wallow in their misery, their only source of help and release being diminished.

Now you see why empathy is not so great after all, don’t you? But even if you do, you’re probably not going to follow my next bit of advice. However, if you do take my advice, congratulations on acquiring a happy life.

Look deep within yourself, and consider all the petty little issues that are not your own, that you feel you have to worry about. And then stop.

Here is a visual aid:

Those who live in petty-drama-land

Those who don't.

 Why stop? Because, for starters, it’s not real empathy if you’re just worrying about someone else’s petty drama. Real empathy is going to a funeral and feeling sadness to a certain degree with the family, even though you didn’t know the guy. Empathy is rejoicing at someone’s birthday party with them, even if you really don’t care if they’ve turned 10 or 110.

Also, letting other people’s petty drama, or your own for that matter, consume you…it’s just unhealthy. 

The court is adjourned. 

Tee Shirt Takedown

Clothing is very popular. It's been around for a long time, and people are always looking for new ways of wearing cloth. There is one particular garment that has rocketed to popularity and stayed there for quite some time, namely, the tee shirt.

Sure, it's great to wear clothing on the upper half of your body, and there's nothing wrong with a short-sleeved tube of cloth with a rounded neckline. There's nothing wrong with it being colorful, and there's nothing wrong with it having decoration.

But there is something wrong with this:

An over-sized set of lips, the letter's L, V, and E, and splatters of paint...or unicorn vomit. To modern society, this is supposed to inspire "Love" to anyone who sees it. However, it begs the question, "what's love got to do with it? What's love but a second hand emotion?" I digress...

The point is, what is the wearer of this shirt loving? Why the hot Barbie pink kiss lips? But more importantly, who hit the enter key in the middle of typing the word?

No, no you're not. You are wearing a shirt that claims something you have yet to prove. Don't go around making ridiculous claims unless you can back them up. 

 "Actions speak louder than words", he said. 

Being convicted is nothing to be proud of, and claiming to be a convict when you aren't only suggests that you're a wanna-be criminal. Therefore, you must be planning some crime. Here's my suggestion: arrest EVERYONE who is wearing a shirt like this. Because they are either, A) an escaped convict lacking in common sense, or B) a soon-to-be convict lacking any sense whatsoever.

                                              

You know it, the world may know it, but does that make it true?

Nope.

 "U can't touch this".

If i did, it would be assault. But i don't want to, because i have a personal bubble. Your personal bubble must have broken, because now you are forced to use signage to alert people to the fact that they are not allowed to make contact with your person. 

Insanity is defined as: "Repeating the same activity over and over expecting different results". 

Enjoy your life of monotony. And go shopping. Soon. But you probably own thousands of that exact same shirt. This is hopeless, to say the least.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the logo I've seen on every average-Joe's chest! Logo's are great, and Superman is also great. But owning the same shirt as half of your local high-school's graduating class? Not so great.

 And I'm in love with my boyfriend. The difference? He actually exists, doesn't spend his days in a coffin (with limited mobile phone reception, at best), and he doesn't want to drain me of my bodily fluids. 

I dare say my love life is better than yours. 

"Oh, you've been to New York?" 

"No."

"Born in 87 then?"

"No."

"Part of an Athletic Department?"

"No."

"Is maroon your favorite color?"

"Not really."

"THEN WHY THE TEE SHIRT?!"

"It was on sale."

"Oh, okay then. That makes sense."

How long before he bought this tee shirt did he think about alerting those near him that he is a slow decision maker? What was the catalyst?

"Yo! Jimmy, you really gotta get a tee shirt with a loading bar to let people know when you're thinking, man. I can't just wait around with no knowledge of an estimated thought-process completion time."

OH YEAH? Tell that to my face! Don't insult me with your cotton threads! Be a man! 

Oh? No words? You insult me with your tee shirt and then refuse to speak to me? The audacity! Clearly you're not worth my time. 

Warning duly noted. Proceed to engage avoidance maneuvers.

See what i mean? Tee shirts you see every day, that really should be embarrassing to wear.

Now go, voyage into the dark recesses of your closet and dig out what silly shirts you may find there. Then, when you have found them all, do not destroy them. Nay, you now possess a most  O.P weapon. 

Give unto your enemies a "Tee Shirt Gift Basket", and laugh, for your days will be filled with much merriment at the sight of your foes thereafter. 

Cotton Candy

Cotton Candy is nothing more than fluffy criminal activity. That's my thesis, and if you don't like it, there is a comment box below.
Cleverly disguised as something truly enjoyable and delicious, the ingredients are nothing more than sugar, artificial flavor, citric acid, color, and glycerin. Simple, teeth rotting, and deadly.
The biggest falsehood that cotton candy dishes out on paper tubes is the "various flavors". In reality, there is only one flavor: sweet. The colors trick your already overloaded brain into thinking that you're getting something different. The question, "whats better, red or blue?" should never even come to mind, but it does because we connect differences in appearances with difference in flavor. I assure you, to a cannibal, European travelers and their own dark skinned neighbors taste the same.  The cannibals never asked "what's better, light or dark?" They didn't have to, they weren't being fooled.
Cotton candy instantly vanishes on your tongue, making you feel as though you need more. However, the more you put into your mouth, the more saliva appears, and the faster the fluff disappears. It's the best selling magic trick of all time, and no one even knows its a trick. And yet we do acknowledge it as "magical" by the brand names and signs above the cotton candy carts at the fair.
How are we so fooled? Our rational thought should be rebelling at this insanity.
Enjoyment of something that doesn't last more than 3 nanoseconds, comes deceitfully in only one flavor, and gives you cavities and other health problems? There is no logic.
I have a love/hate relationship with cotton candy. I love to eat it, while hating it, and hating to love it is almost as confusing as parents giving their children pure spun sugar to "keep them quiet".
 Some people take their cotton candy all too seriously. For example, here's a video of cotton candy as an art form: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYsT5TiJsIU

As a final point, Cotton Candy is delicious, and I've made myself crave it.

Cease and Desist

Why would you read this? Are you a masochist? Or do you simply not have any better way to waste time? Either way, consider this disclaimer as you would the sign above the gates of hell, Dante.

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here.  

In other words, if you are Dante, you know that it is a good idea to heed this warning.

If you aren't Dante, then you must just be really stupid or really bored.

So if you know what’s good for you, you will put the papers in your hand down, or light them on fire with the end of the fashionable collection of weeds, delicately smoking away in your hand.

If you must continue reading however, then know this: I have nothing to do with your being put in a straitjacket later on.

 ***

When man first discovered fire, he must have been very impressed with himself. He probably went around, showing all of his friends how bright it was, and showing all of his enemies how hot it was. He roasted some bacon, popped corn, kept warm at night, and flattened a neighboring village. Discoveries like fire have their purpose; they have meaning for years and years into the future. Where would we be if not for the discovery of fire?

Now consider the discoveries we make today. It begins with a shout of, “Hey guys! Look at what I can do!” and ends very soon after with ambulance lights and tears. However, if you think about the first discovery of fire, it most likely began with a, “You! *grunt* Look!” and ended with roasting flesh and tears. Not so very different after all.

It is in man’s nature to discover and try new things. Pushing the limitations of his reality and finding new ways to look at what was previously obvious. For early mankind, there was more to discover. The world was brand new and full of wonders. Man stumbled out of the garden and into a land of nice sprites and scary monsters—you know, ghosts and stuff*. Basically, man found that he didn't know or understand anything, and he had to start at the very basic and work his way towards a fuller understanding.

What I’m trying to say is that man has lost this sense of stupidity that early man had. Nowadays, we think we know everything. So we seek to invent rather than discover. We play god and attempt to create things using science we have no business dabbling with. I’m mean, look at what happened with Jurassic Park. It may be fantasy, but it is an excellent example of what happens when you use science to change the natural order of things. Bad things happen to good people, innocent pedestrians get mauled by raptors.

So consider this: discovery—good. Research used to discover things and understand this is an excellent way for an eager young scientist to pass the time. 

Welcome

Turkey Bacon is heresy, and so is this blog.
Read on and expand your mind.