So you think you have a favorite food?
If it's one of these, then i beg you, reconsider.
Feel free to disagree with this list. No one ever said you couldn't lie to yourself.
10. Spaghetti
No one REALLY likes spaghetti. It's sloppy, get's everywhere, and isn't really that tasty. That's why it's at number 10. If you really like spaghetti, then your mother probably made it 2 or more times a week and you have fond memories of mom's spaghetti being all over your bib. Now it's nothing more than a comfort food for you. However, you'd most likely choose any other meal over it. Unless you're craving it. As i am....right now.
9. Fruit
Pineapple is not a fruit in this category. This is strictly fruits like apples, peaches, oranges, pears, bananananananas, and strawberries. Get a brown spot, a sour one, or a worm and you'll know what i mean.
8. Grilled Cheese
Ha. The picture says it all. This demented child knows. Two pieces of bread and some "pasteurized processes cheese food", stuck to the corners of a frying pan and burned with oil--it sounds more to me like the final results of the Salem witch trials than a delicious lunchtime treat.
7. Hot Chocolate
It grows film on top when it cools.
Didn't catch that?
IT GROWS FILM WHEN IT COOLS.
Only aliens and mythical beasts are supposed to grow film. Not a consumable liquid. Unless it's a witch potion. Or something that will turn you into the next villain in Spider-man.
And no amount of mushy marshmallows is going to save the roof of your mouth from the ER.
6. Fried Chicken
Even the bone is greasy, the only good part is the skin, and it clogs your arteries.
I rest my case.
5. Hot Dogs
It wasn't a good idea to put all the unusable parts of the cow, turkey, pig, chicken, and cat into a filmy wrapper and stick it on a crumbly piece of white bread.
And it wasn't a good idea to serve it for lunch.
Everyone knows hot dogs are soggy, tasteless (except for the pervasive salt and grease), and overrated.
4. Waffle Fries
Why mess with perfection? Why take a french fry and try to make it better? What's wrong with you?
These are just dry french fries dishonestly passing themselves off as basket parts.
3. Breakfast Cereal
Add milk, it gets soggy (simply vile). Don't add milk, it's too dry (like the Sahara).
Add milk and eat it quickly, you end up eating 5 bowls just to get the flavor.
Most are either too sweet, or have no flavor at all.
Since when is eating wood chips with raisins a meal? And i'm sorry, but dusting a little powdered sugar over it isn't going to make me want it any more.
2. Birthday Cake
Don't even start me on birthday cake.
The whole cake is never eaten (unless the crowd is too big for the cake--or the cake is too small to feed everyone--depending on your point of view.)
You get a piece of cake and you either just eat the frosting or you mutilate it and smear it across your plate so the host of the party thinks you at least took a stab at it. Thousands of pounds of birthday cake get thrown into garbage disposals and dumpsters every year.
End the madness.
Eat birthday pie.
Or bacon.
Birthday Bacon has a nice ring to it.
1. Casseroles
This is what's gone wrong with humanity.
Not even bacon can save us.
The casserole was invented when a greaser, a 7th grade home economics teacher, and a 3 year old got together in the kitchen to make dinner. Only one of them left the room, with a scar and significantly less hair. How it rocketed into popularity is beyond any human comprehension, but it suggests the nefarious.
Pieces of meat--frozen, helpless--like Han Solo in carbonite, or a woolly mammoth trapped forever in ice. This isn't food, this is torture. There must be something in the Geneva Convention to prevent such heinous acts of devilry as casseroles inflict.
It's not even edible, or appetizing. Even the cat would be ashamed to drag this in, let alone feed it to loved ones. It's a diseased yellowy color. It's reflecting light. It's not natural.
Yes, it's supposed to look like that. No, Kenny--lifetime pipe smoker and tobacco chewer--didn't cough up a lung, put it through the blender, then pour it over as sauce. And the worst part is, people actually eat this. And they claim to love it.
The honest truth is, before we knew it as a casserole, our ancestors knew it as the reason for the black plague.
Julia Child is rolling in her grave.
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